I’ve Always Been Trying To Survive
v piquett
Audio: V Piquett reads.
I.
Imagine me 6 inches taller
entering dark rooms with older men I don’t know
exchanging fantasy for $20 bills
under the weight of capitalism and feminized labor
He says,
“Why don’t you take your clothes off faster?
I like filthy whores”
I laugh and say I’m a tease
while twirling my finger through my hair
but what I really mean is —
when you’re in a dark room with a man who’s paying you
time
moves
slower
If my family knew what I did for money
they’d fear for me
in a way they never feared for me as a child
in dark rooms with older men
of blood relation
As if blood purifies violence
What were you taught about violence?
About safety?
What were you taught you were allowed to name?
And not allowed to name?
II.
Imagine me twelve years younger
entering white rooms with police officers I don’t know
exchanging recollections of trauma for false promises of safety
They ask, “What did he do to you?”
I say, “Everything”
They show up at my father’s house
because my voice is not enough,
will never be enough
They ask, “What did he do?”
My father looks me in the eyes, looks back at them, pauses,
“Nothing”
Who was supposed to protect you?
When did they take your truth away?
Where did they put it?
III.
Imagine me on stage
performing femininity as I was taught -
a 1:1 ratio of beauty and silence
except this time I’m paying my fucking bills with it
I take my clothes off slowly
while he stares at me, moves closer, laughs
and says, “What’s someone like you doing in a place like this?”
“A place like this” as if misogyny and rape culture do not
extend beyond the walls of the strip club he is a customer in
He does not expect a response
But I say,
“I’m trying to survive”
I’ve always been trying to survive