BALLET LESBIAN

MARLEE GRACE

In November 2019 I found a box of old journals at my dad’s house. I was with my partner Jackie and my best friend Katie. The following poem is one of the first things I pulled out of the box. I read it aloud through tears of laughter, we couldn’t believe the treasure we had uncovered.

The back story would be : I wrote this when I was 16 years old, and after this moment I went on to be in straight relationships, married a man, got divorced, and, a few years later, came out as being a lesbian.

As someone who was always in queer community, identified as queer, had parents who encouraged me to love whoever I wanted, there was always part of me that wondered why I had repressed my true sexual identity.

Up until writing this poem I only remembered being attracted to girls. I’d make my barbie have sex, had a crush on the neighbor girl, and egged on a whole group of my classmates on the bus to “dare” me and my best friend to make out. Alas ... then ... I was shamed into the closet.

I share this to bring you humor and shed light on the realities of internalized homophobia. I share this in hopes it might unlock a remembering in you that needs remembering.

I share in hopes that we all come into our queerness right on time.

Although my heart is open, and girls I sure do like
You need to understand - that I am not a dyke

T.T. is my favorite, her body is just grand
But all these accusations cause me to take a stand

I am easily aroused, when my clitoris is rubbed
The ballet lesbian is what I have now been dubbed

But I’m just comfortable with myself, my sexuality is free
However in Tiffany’s pants I would like to be

Oh wait I should have a boyfriend, this just isn’t right
And his pretty body should be quite a pretty sight

So what are these thoughts that are running through my head
No crying, just hugging - that’s what T.T. said

I like rubbing and squeezing it’s just what I like to do
So sorry other girls, if I’m not just like you

I enjoy being naked and grinding on the ground
I moan and I scream and I like to make sound

I am NOT a lesbian, so alone you should leave me
It’s just that sometimes I like to touch T.T.

FIRE PRAYER

MARLEE GRACe

A prayer for jackie as she tends to the land

On the fire you dig
On the hills you sing

As you dig you blaze so bright
As you shine you savor

As night falls you rest
As the sun rises you stretch your long arms to the sky

Knowing it’s the same sky I see
The same sky the smoke touches
The same sky where your mom lives
Where the sun lives, one in the same

You put the fire out
But within you is a flicker so true

May we all stretch towards the sky as you do
Towards the dirt as you do

MARLEE GRACE is a dancer and writer whose work focuses on the self, devotion, ritual, cre- ativity, and art making. Her practice is rooted in improvisation as a compositional form that takes shape in movement videos, books, quilting, online courses, and hosting artists.

@marleegrace
marleegrace.space

Originally published August 2020 in poiesis 1.2: syzygy by w the trees.